


there's a forest burning somewhere... (or, who the FUCK set fire to my treehouse?)

by onetrueobligation



Category: Ghost Quartet - Malloy, Hadestown - Mitchell, Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy
Genre: Crack Crossover, Gen, Inspired by Roleplay/Roleplay Adaptation, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 16:24:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12369549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onetrueobligation/pseuds/onetrueobligation
Summary: The astronomer is hunted down by three ghosts and a goddess and ends up on a road trip with balaga and his twin, pierre bezukhovthis is a crackfic i swear i normally write better than this





	there's a forest burning somewhere... (or, who the FUCK set fire to my treehouse?)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CurlyAndQuote](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurlyAndQuote/gifts).



> okay this deserves an explanation: have y'all ever seen the roleplay accounts on twitter? well, some crazy shit went down today and being the writer i am, i decided to make a novelisation of it (of course i fucking did). and then everyone wanted to see it so here it is (i hope you're happy)
> 
> also i wrote this in twenty minutes please dont take it seriously

Roxie didn’t remember until after she’d died.

Soon after she passed, however, the memories came flooding back. She realised who she was. She was no Usher – she was Rose. Somehow.

Pearl, being the gentle ghost that she was, had taken Roxie under her wing. Adopted her. She reminded Roxie an awful lot of her mother, and Roxie reminded Pearl an awful lot of her sister.

And then Roxie remembered. She remembered why she was a ghost. She remembered she had to find four things, four things to bring to the bear. She just didn’t remember where her starchild was.

And then, she remembered the worst truth of all.

‘The father of my starchild… it’s _him._ ’

Pearl gazed at her. ‘Who, dear?’

‘The astronomer… that man…’

She didn’t get to finish before Pearl started screaming. Rose wandered over to see what the fuss was about. When Roxie told her, she blinked in shock. ‘What… the fuck.’

‘I’m sure of it… I remember… we used to go to his treehouse…’

‘I’ll wring his lying, cheating neck!’ Rose shouted.

‘What’s going on?’ Persephone asked, floating over from the underworld or whatever. ‘I heard screeching.’

‘That was me,’ Pearl said embarrassedly.

‘The astronomer is the father of Roxie’s daughter.’

Persephone gasped. ‘I’ll drag him to hell.’

 

The astronomer was just minding his own business, gazing at the stars and not being dead, when suddenly he was assaulted by several angry ghosts (not that he believed in ghosts). After a lot of yelling, he realised he was being accused of fathering the child of a girl he’d never even met until a few days earlier.

‘I don’t know where you’re getting your information from, but it’s not true,’ he insisted. ‘I’m a bad person, sure, but I’m not _that_ bad a person.’

‘I wouldn’t put it past you,’ Rose muttered.

‘Why are you lying?!’ Roxie said, on the verge of tears. ‘Don’t you remember? I loved you once! You have a daughter!’

He laughed nervously. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. I didn’t even meet you until after you were dead!’

‘Don’t lie!’ she snapped.

While Roxie continued sobbing at the bewildered astronomer, Rose, Pearl and Persephone began conspiring out of earshot.

‘We need to do something,’ Pearl said matter-of-factly.

‘I suggest murder,’ Rose said immediately.

‘Not again, Rose,’ Persephone sighed.

‘Persephone, he’s fathered a _child_ and just abandoned her. We can’t just let him go without consequences.’ She was impressed at her own words. It was almost as though she was having an emotion. _Stop that,_ she told herself.

‘Well…’ Persephone thought. ‘Okay. How will we go about it? You’re the murder expert, after all.’

‘Usually I just hire a hitbear,’ Rose shrugged, ‘but if we want to do this properly and not have to scour the universe for some really fucked up things, I’d say we burn down his treehouse.’

‘Then it’s settled,’ Pearl said. She turned back to her “daughter”. ‘Roxie, honey, let’s go.’

‘But-’

‘We’ll settle it with him another time,’ she said with a glare at the astronomer. ‘Let’s go.’

And with a _pop,_ the ghosts (and goddess) vanished, leaving the astronomer alone.

 

A few hours later, while the astronomer was sleeping, Rose, Pearl and Persephone began to quietly cover the wooden treehouse in petrol. ‘This is messed up,’ Persephone whispered.

‘I know!’ Rose hissed back gleefully. After all the petrol had been spread across the floor, she lit a match and tossed it on the ground. The flames began immediately and the three of them vanished out of existence.

Soon very nearly the whole forest was alight. Pearl watched from her weird ghost dimension, satisfied. ‘ _There’s a forest burning somewhere…_ ’

 

‘Who the FUCK set fire to my treehouse?’

Rose appeared at his side with a _pop._ ‘Oh,’ she said with a frown. ‘You survived, then.’

‘When your house is made of wood, you have a few exit strategies,’ he snapped. ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’

‘Well, murder is fun and you’re an easy target. Besides, you could have just owned up to having an affair with Roxie.’

‘I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WITH ROXIE!’ he shouted. ‘I barely even know her!’

She rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t lie to me. I know for a fact you’re the father. How low can you sink? She was sixteen!’

‘I am most certainly not the father!’

She crossed her arms and sighed. ‘Look… I have proof that you’re the father.’

‘Proof? What sort of proof?’

She didn’t meet his eyes. ‘If I tell you, you have to swear not to tell a soul.’

‘…Okay.’

‘I have the child.’

‘What? Why? How? And most importantly, how is that proof?’

‘Um… okay. First of all, I needed the kid to do a trade with a bear.’

‘Makes sense.’

‘Second of all, I had her blood tested, in the future. I can time travel, being a ghost and whatever. I had to make sure she had stardust in her veins, and, well… her DNA matches yours.’

‘What the fuck is DNA?’

She groaned. ‘I keep forgetting you’re not from modern times. It’s like your… essence. It’s unique to you and your offspring. And… I may have taken some of your DNA and tested it. It matches the child’s.’

He sighed, sat down, and put his face in his hands. ‘I need a drink.’

‘All the evidence says the kid is yours.’

‘No! This is stories and fiction, nothing more.’

He looked at her. ‘But… but it’s all true! I think… Goddammit! I don’t know anything anymore!’

‘Would you like me to kill you?’ she asked helpfully. ‘Being dead helped me remember a lot of things. And killing you would be doing everyone a favour.’

‘Not me. It would definitely be doing me a disservice.’ He stood up. ‘I swear to you, I had nothing to do with Roxie. I may have cheated on you with your sister, but that’s all. I’m not a total monster. Anyway, see you around, Rose. I’ve gotta go find a new home, since my last one was just fucking burned down. Maybe Bezukhov will let me crash at his place for a while…’

‘Wait!’ She grabbed his arm. ‘Don’t tell anyone about how I have Roxie’s daughter.’

He raised his eyebrows, realising he now had leverage over her. ‘And why shouldn’t I?’

She shuffled her feet. ‘Um… if you do… I’ll kill you slower.’

He smirked, pushing her away. ‘Hm… I’ll have to consider it. I just feel so bad, you know? Must be so awful to have a child stolen… must have caused her so much grief. I mean, what kind of psychopath steals a child?’

She glared at him for just a moment. ‘The bear’s coming for you, you know. When I bring him what he needs, he’s going to kill you. I’d run if I were you.’

She flickered away.

 

Pierre was a little surprised when his dashingly handsome clone, the astronomer, showed up at his doorstep. ‘What can I do for you?’

‘Well, I was wondering if I could stay with you for a while, since my house burned down…’ He stopped as he remembered Rose’s words. _I’d run if I were you._ ‘Actually, scratch that – how do you fancy a road trip to avoid me getting murdered, huh?!’ he said enthusiastically.

‘I mean, sure, I’m down for a road trip if you are,’ Pierre shrugged. ‘Wait – what was that bit about murder?’

‘No murder involved if everything goes right!’ the astronomer said with a blatantly false smile.

‘Sure, I mean, I love hanging with you anyway!’

‘Great! Pack fast, it’s kind of urgent…ly important that we have fun! And, bring food. And alcohol.’

‘Is it okay if I bring an accordion too?’

 

‘Balaga!’

‘Heyyyyy,’ Balaga said (seriously what the fuck is up with that guy?). ‘What do you need?’

‘Okay, how much to take two guys to a big city like New York or something? At “manhunt” speed.’

‘Uh, not too much, but I can hook you up if you want.’

‘Great! Thanks!’

‘Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’d better be paid in alcohol and/or chicks when this is all over.’

‘Sure, I can do the booze part just fine.’

‘Okay, but what about the chicks part though?’

The astronomer hunched his shoulders. ‘I don’t have the best luck with women, but I’ll see what I can do.’

 

By the end of the day, they had set off.

 

 


End file.
